Friday's Letters

Dear Lovekins: You're so awesomepants for taking care of me last week while I was puking up my guts. Honestly, how many stomachs can I possibly have for all of that to be produced? Regardless, I love you a whole bunch. However, I'm mad at you because when I "got you sick", all you got was a neckache. Boo. I mean, how do you do that? How do I spend four days in the fetal position clutching a bucket, when you get a neckache and are "a little chilly"?

Dear Christmas: I hate you and I love you. I hate you because: You're expensive. You're cold. You're messy. You come bearing fruitcake from everyone I have ever met. You are no longer politially correct. I love you because: You're Christmas.

Dear Grumpkins: You're a silly kid. I love that your personality is showing a lot more now. You're playing games and cracking jokes that only you get, apparently. Heaven forbid we interrupt you. Carry on playing by yourself in your crib. Mommy's gonna go have a nap.

Dear Judgemental Jerkholes: Yes, I'm married. No, I'm not sixteen. Yes, she's mine. Yes, I know who the father is and NO, I was not drunk during conception. Does that answer everything? I mean, really. I know I'm small, but so? I don't pass judgement on you just because your entire shopping cart is full of boxed wine and you smell like feet. We are all God's children. (Said with the utmost Sassy Pantsness.)

Dear Bloggy Friends: I've come to the realization recently that I'm loads funnier while I'm pregnant. That being said, no, I'm not going to run out and get pregnant again any time soon. Not on purpose, anyway. So, for now, you'll just have to put up with some occasional lackluster posts about The Grumpster and my dying social life. Cheers.
 

Alexa's Birth Story

She's here! She's here! She's FINALLY here!

So, at 7:30 pm on Tuesday, July 10th, my husband and I drove up to the hospital to begin the induction process since she refused to come naturally. I got into my room, into their gown, and simply had to wait out the night after they inserted the Cervadil to help dilate me since I was still a big, fat zero on that scale.

Morning comes, and I'm checked again. 

Nothing.

I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. I had waited so long for my child and I was going to have to go home without her. 

I didn't get out of bed for the rest of the day. I cried more than I thought possible. I pleaded with her to PLEASE come out on her own. Didn't she want to see me? Did she already not like me? Those kinds of thoughts clouded my head for the next three days.

Fast forward to Sunday night. Same tune, different song. Check in, gown up, wait-and-see. However, I didn't have to wait very long this time. About an hour after the Cervadil was inserted, my water broke. YES! That's when the nurse said that most beautiful thing I had ever heard up to that point, 

"You're not leaving here without your baby, now."

Oh, how I cried. 

They wanted to track my natural contractions overnight. So after being harnessed up to one of the most awkward machines ever, I was told to try and sleep. Yeah, right. After about three hours, my contractions stopped completely, and they were forced to begin the Pitocin at 3:00 Monday morning.

Oh, my heavens. If any of you have ever had that injected into your body, you have my immediate respect. To say the contractions they produced were hellish would be a gross understatement. By the time they came in eight hours later to give me the epidural, I was screaming. My sweet husband kept saying over and over how much he wished he could take the pain from me and do it himself. He absolutely hated seeing me like that. 

After the epidural was in place, life was SO much better. I actually managed to get some sleep. But, by 3:00 in the afternoon, the pain was back with a vengeance. I was dilated to a 7 by this point and even though the awesome anesthetist kept coming back to tweak the medication, nothing really helped for very long. By the time I was dilated to a 9, I had been in labor for 17 of the longest hours of my life. When Dr. Jerkhole came in to check my cervix for the last time, I was told that the baby was too big and that I would be having her via C-Section. 

Uhm. Excuse me?

Does anyone remember this post? Yeah. At that doctor's appointment, he said that every mother felt like her baby would be too big to deliver and that he was, under no circumstances, going to perform an ultrasound on me unless there was a medical reason to.

So, when the doctor said that I'd be getting the surgery, I looked him right in the eye, gritted through another heinous contraction and said,

"I told you I'd need a C-Section five weeks ago. I told you she would be too big for me. You would have been able to tell if you had just done the ultrasound like I asked you to."

He said nothing.

Nick was told to scrub up, and I was prepped for surgery. I tell you, the preparation took longer than the surgery itself. My arms were strapped down, I was numbed up, and surgery began at 5:17. At 5:23, my daughter was born. I was told to look to my right, and there she was. The first words that escaped my lips were, 

"She's real! Nick, she's real!"

Nick went with the baby to clean her up, and I was left to be stitched up. Bob, a sweet, older gentleman who was also the anesthetist, held my hand while they finished up because I could not stop shaking during the entire procedure. I felt horrible when I threw up on him. 

Two hours later they finally brought me back upstairs where Alexa, Nick and his entire family were waiting. I was gingerly placed in my hospital bed and Nick finally put my baby in my arms for the first time. I couldn't help it, I cried so hard. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and she was mine. I fell in love instantly.

We have been home for two days now, and I still cry at everything because my stupid hormones are coming down. My angel of a mother has stayed with me since I was released from the hospital and she has been a tremendous blessing. She's made wonderful meals, purchased food for us and just watched over my baby so that I could sleep. Even though I'm unnaturally emotional right now, I still think I'd cry because of all that she's done for me.

Alexa is an angel and I love her more than I thought possible. I still burst into tears whenever I stop and stare at her because she is, honestly, the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid my eyes on. Sleep is such a burden to me because all I want to do is snuggle her forever. I get anxious when she's not in the room with me. I hurt when she cries. She is such a mellow and sweet baby. Nick and I are very, very lucky.

I am terrified that I'm going to wake up and be 15 weeks pregnant again. So, every night before I go to sleep, I try to memorize every part of her. I cannot wait to be back to physical working order so that I can lie on the floor next to her, or pick her up without pain. 

Sorry if this post is way too sappy for your liking. Firstly, I don't care. And secondly, it's hard to be sarcastic or witty on three hours of sleep. 

Thank you all for your support throughout my pregnancy. I would have lost my sanity without you!

Maternity Mon....Oh, whatever.

Yes. I'm still pregnant. Lucky, lucky me.

My due date was on Saturday, and, lo and behold, I'm still a beached whale. I'm scheduled to go into the hospital tomorrow night, get some meds to help me dilate and begin the induction process on Thursday morning. If, for whatever reason, the Oxytocin doesn't work and I'm sent home without my baby, I'll be one hot mess. If that's the case, I'll go BACK to the hospital on Sunday night and they'll try the whole process again. The goal, according to the doctor, is to not push me into needing a C-Section. But, at this point, I really don't care. I'm about ready to give myself a C-Section, for crying out loud. 

At any rate, this will be the last post I write until I'm an official mama. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Maternity Mondays: 39 Weeks

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this time frame that I'm in. My due date is on Saturday. SATURDAY. If she doesn't come by then, we'll wait until next Saturday and I'll be induced. Regardless, in two weeks there will be a baby in this house. Weird.

Have you ever looked forward to one single event for so long that you begin to wonder what you'll be thinking when it finally arrives? I do that ALL the time. Like, for instance, I keep wondering what will be going through my head when I realize that the contractions I'm having are real. Or what I'll be thinking when the nurse says, "Okay, Michelle. It's time to push." Or what could possibly cross my mind when they finally hand her to me and tell me she's all mine.

Now, onto the funny stuffs.

Remember my last Maternity Monday post? I mentioned how I keep answering the same questions over and over and over but I at least try to keep my cool? I kid you not, about an hour after I posted that, I had to run an errand and fill up the car. When I went inside to pay, I decided that I MUST have a soda (since the Coke machine incident was still fresh in my mind.) So, there I am, minding my own business, filling up my giant cup, when I hear a voice behind me.

Her: "When's that baby due?"

Now, I wasn't expecting a conversation when I went in there, so it hardly registered to me that someone was speaking until she repeated her question. Much louder.

Her: "WHEN'S THAT BABY DUE?"

(I turn around slowly.)

Me: "...July 7th."

(I go back to filling my cup.)

Her: "Wow! That's comin' up real quick!"

Me: (still not looking at her) "Yep."

Then she proceeds to walk over to where I was so that I couldn't possibly ignore her. I mean, she stood CLOSE.

Her: "Do ya know whatchur havin?"

(I look her in the eyes and hope she receives the message that I really don't want to talk to her.)

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Wut is it?"

Me: (sigh in defeat) "It's a girl."

Her: "OH THAT'S JUST WUNDURFUL! Doya have a burth plan?"

Now, never being asked that question before, I kind of lose it. When I say that I've never been asked that before, I mean by ANYONE. Not my doctor. Not my friends. Not even my parents. Nobody has ever EVER asked me that. 

Me: "Look, ma'am. I don't want to be rude, but I don't really like discussing this kind of stuff with my friends, much less a complete stranger."

(She looks slightly miffed, but remains silent.)

Me: "I mean, I'm not going to come up to you and ask you how many bones you've broken in your life or how many cigarettes you've obviously smoked this morning. Why? Because it's none of my business. Being clearly pregnant isn't an open invitation for random people to ask me lots of questions when all I'd really like to do is pay for my gas, this soda and go home. Does that make sense?"

Her: "Oh. Yer right. I'm sorree."

Me: "Thank you."

As I turn away to walk towards the counter to pay, I hear this:

Her: "So are ya dilated yet?"

REALLY?! You have got to be joking. No one can possibly be that thick. I had to pay quickly and leave because I knew that if I turned around I would surely kill her.

Thinking about that still irritates me, but it appears that story was a huge source of entertainment for Nick who laughed a LOT while I was recounting it to him. Through the tears that were forming in his eyes, he managed an, "I'm sorry, babe, but that's hysterical," before he died.

Just kidding. I didn't kill him. 

Happy Monday!

Maternity Mondays: 38 Weeks

Oh. Mah. Gah. 38 Weeks? Sometimes, I feel like this has been one speedy nine months. Other times...

I feel bad for all those people who I encounter throughout the day. I have to constantly bite my tongue because I'm just so tired of answering the same questions over and over and over. So, instead of answering, "Oh! When is your baby due?" with "WHAT'S IT TO YOU, LADY!?!" I take a breath, smile, and say, "Oh, they keep telling me it's July 7th." Then, I share the fakest laugh in the world with whoever is talking to me, and quickly walk away from them before they can ask anything else. Although, I'll admit, I did answer that question once with, "When's my baby due? I'm not really sure I remember. It's hard to remember anything after the abduction." The look they gave me was absolutely priceless. Especially after I threw in my own rendition of Jenna Marbles' "Go Away Face".

My kid is going to be so messed up.

Updates: According to Dr. Manpants, if I haven't squeezed out this baby by July 13th, they're going to induce me. That's still, like, *counts in head* 18 days away! Ugh. I've never been so impatient for a single event in my entire LIFE. 

"Funny" Stories: There's a park about a quarter mile away from our house with a Coke machine (okay, it's Pepsi, but who cares?) in front of one of the gazebos. On Saturday, I was seriously craving a Coke. Like, I'd have poked someone in the eye just so I could steal their soda. Anyway, I waddled down to the park with about a hundred quarters in my pocket only to find that the ENTIRE MACHINE was sold out. Seriously? To add insult to injury, there was some shindig going on inside that stupid gazebo and about forty people witnessed me jingling up to the machine, sighing in defeat, turning around and jingling back home. Uncool, man. That whole experience still pisses me off when I think about it. I think I actually jabbed the keyboard a bit too hard while I wrote it out for you.

Memorable Quotes: 

*Nick walks into the living room to find me crying*

Nick: "Babe, what's wrong?"

Me: "I'm still pregnant."

News: I have a Facebook page now! There's a little clicky link under my picture over ---> there. If you feel so inclined, please take a few seconds to go and "Like" it! :)

Happy Monday!

P.S. I recently received this lovely little award for new bloggers from It's Me Again.........Pamela. Isn't that nice? Why don't y'all go on over and say hello to her? Tell her I sent ya. 

A Conversation with my Body

As a preface to this post, there's not a whole lot I can physically do anymore. That said, let me paint you a little word picture:

You finally get comfortable on the couch after huffing and puffing your way downstairs when you realize that you have to pee. Again. So, naturally, you hoist yourself up and go about your business. Upon coming back to the couch, you find that sitting in exactly the same position that was comfortable to you ten minutes ago is now horrifically uncomfortable. Great. It doesn't matter, anyways, because now you're hungry. Like, on the verge of death hungry. So, you waddle into the kitchen and make yourself a snack that you only end up eating half of because the baby shifted positions and is suddenly squashing a majority of your stomach. Whatever. You can just save it for later. After wrapping up your snack and putting it in the fridge, you realize how incredibly tired you are. You dread tackling the stairs again, but you know you'll never be able to fall asleep on the couch. Twenty minutes have gone by and you've finally made it up the stairs. Hooray! Too bad you can't breathe anymore because now the baby is using one of your lungs as a beanbag chair. After crawling the rest of the way to your bedroom and finding a decent position to lie in, it's time to pee again...

Okay, okay. I jest. It only takes me five minutes to get up the stairs.

After experiencing all of this just about every day, I've started to really become annoyed with my body. How in the world am I supposed to take care of a baby when I can hardly manage any of the normal bodily functions anymore? Fed up, I finally had to have a little prayer meeting with myself...

Me: Body, what gives? It's 2:00 in the morning and you aren't even tired! This is unacceptable.

Legs: We're  tired.

Back: I'm always tired. Why do you think I scream at you to sit down so often?

Brain: Sorry about that. I'm too busy worrying. Don't you think you should figure out what to do if your baby was born without fingers? 

Me: Um. Not really, Brain. That's really useless to worry about because the ultrasound showed that all of her fingers and toes are accounted for.

Brain: But what about....

Me: Give it a rest, Brain. Now, Belly, why don't you suck it in a little? You're looking a bit doughy.

Boobs: Hey! What are we going to rest on, then?

Me: Well, you could always sit up straight. I would actually prefer it if you did.

Boobs: No, thanks. 

Belly: They keep me warm, anyway. 

Me: What if I put on some more layers? 

Belly: Oh, no. That would be far too hot. Actually, can you turn on the fan?

Legs: NO! We're tired! Please don't get up!

Back: But sitting down so much is hurting me...

Me: I thought standing up hurt you?

Back: It's both, really.

Me: Should I lie down, then?

Back, Boobs, and Belly: NO!

Legs: YES!

Me: Baby.... can you come out now?
Belly: I'm hungry...

Maternity Mondays: 37 Weeks

Okay, so, I know that I said I'd post more pictures of my belly, and lately I, well.... haven't. Too bad! I'm pretty sure I won't be posting anymore pictures of myself until after this kid makes her debut. The plan is to take a before hospital/after birth picture, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, I'm full term! YAY! Every morning I wake up mildly disappointed that I didn't go into labor the night before. "Baby," I say, "It's okay to come out now. Seriously. What are you waiting for?" Then she wiggles all over the place and makes me die a little inside. "Baby," I say, "If you're so uncomfortable, you can COME OUT. You'll have a room all to yourself! ...and a body." But, apparently all she hears is that Charlie Brown "wah-wah" and completely disregards whatever the heck I'm saying.

I've attempted to do some of those DIY labor induction techniques. HA! That was a headache and a half. Someone actually suggested that I do jumping jacks. Jumping jacks! What the heck EVER. I literally have to roll myself out of bed in the morning and you want me to do jumping jacks? I actually laughed in their face and went on with my day as if I hadn't heard the most ridiculous theory in the history of ridiculous theories. But, I've managed to delude myself into thinking that, because it hurts so much when I sneeze, perhaps Nick should make me sneeze once I go into labor and the baby will just pop out. Don't laugh at me. It's worth a shot, anyway.

Latest Fears: That I'm going to need an episiotomy. (Google that nastiness. I am NOT posting a picture.) Just the thought of it makes me hurt and I'm pretty sure it makes Nick light-headed enough to faint. 


Latest Cravings: Labor. ...and Cheetos.


Latest Realizations: In approximately two weeks there will be a baby in this house and I have no idea what I'm doing. 


Latest Bout of Craziness: Recently I cleaned the entire house. I'm not sure why. I just decided that everything needed to be, like, sterile. So, I spent ALL DAY cleaning and then Nick came home from his landscaping job and walked all over the place in his dirty boots and I just about LOST my junk. Sorry, babe. I still love you.


Anyways, happy Monday!

Maternity Mondays: 36 Weeks

Well, here we are. 36 weeks and no sign of labor. There really is no "plus side" to my days anymore. I wake up in pain. I walk downstairs on ballooned out feet and feel like I'm treading on broken glass with every step. I sit in pain. I stand in pain. Then, the baby wakes up. At that point, it's like real pain hasn't existed until that moment. Every move she makes brings me to tears. I think she's trying to turn herself into the proper position, but she's just too big for me to accommodate. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday, and I will ask (more like inform) them for an ultrasound to see if Alexa is healthy and if she is, I will then ask (or inform, whatever) to be induced because I just can't handle her anymore. She's too big and it hurts too much for me to carry her to 40 weeks. Technically, at 37 weeks she'd be considered full term. So what are we waiting for? Ugh. Anyways, here's a cutsie little survey:

About You 

Name: Michelle
Age: I'll be 23 tomorrow. 
Height: 4'11"
Pre-pregnancy weight: 130ish. I'm not sure exactly. We don't have a scale.

About The Father

Name: Nicholai
Age: 22
Height: 6'2"
Are you still together: Yes. This is sad that it's even a question.


About Your Pregnancy 
Is this your first pregnancy: Yes.
When did you find out you were pregnant: November 2nd, 2011

Was it planned: Um. Not exactly...

What was your first reaction: "...holy crap."
Who was with you when you found out: Technically, I was at work when I took the test. I went out and bought them on my lunch break because my boobs had been sore for about two weeks. 
Who was the first person you told: Nick, obviously.
How far along are you: 36 weeks, 2 days.
What is your due date: July 7th, 2012.
Do you know the sex of the baby: It's a girl.
How much weight have you gained: 30 pounds. :\
Do you have stretch marks: I do. They're faint and I don't have many, but they're there.
Have you felt the baby move: Oh, boy. When she moves I feel like dying. It's excruciatingly painful.
Have you heard the heartbeat: Yes'm.

About the birth 

Will you keep the baby: Yes. That still seems weird to me, honestly. The baby is mine. I can't give it back when she cries. I have to take care of her. It's all very bizarre.  
Home or hospital birth: Hospital. I'm not sure my neighbors would appreciate hearing me shriek through the walls. 
Natural or medicated birth: Hopefully medicated.
Who will be in the delivery room with you: Nick. The doctor. Some nurses. That's it. Everyone else can wait. I'm not exactly jiggy with the world seeing my ladyparts.
Will you breastfeed: That's the plan.
Do you think you'll need a c-section: It's looking that way, yes. I was scared about it, but now I don't really care. I just want to get the show on the road already.
Would you let someone videotape the birth: HECK to the no.
Are you excited about the birth, or scared?: I was scared. Terrified, actually. But, the more time that passes, the more anxious I become. Hurry UP in there!

Dear Alexa

Little girl, you aren't even born yet. I haven't seen your face, heard you laugh or felt your tiny hands in mine. But, I love you. Daddy loves you, too. 

 There are a few things about this world and the life you will have that I want you to know before you make your debut. 

1. I'm sorry in advance for all the things I mess up on. Just as you don't know how to speak or walk or hold your own head up, I don't really know how to be a mom. But, I am willing to push everything aside to be there for you and learn exactly what you need when you need it. I'll get things wrong. A lot. But I will never stop trying.

2. When you are old enough to start dating, I want you to look for a man who is just like daddy. You see, your father fixed me when I was broken. He picked up all the little pieces of my shattered heart and put them back together very, very carefully. He never rushed me or got upset with me because I had trust issues. He waited patiently for me to come to him. Your dad is a true gentleman. I hope you will watch how he treats me throughout your life and realize that you deserve the same treatment from your husband. 

3. The world we live in can be a scary place. There are some people who aren't very nice. There are some people who will say things about you to hurt you. But there are also very, very good people. People who will bend over backwards just to make you smile. Alexa, it may seem impossible to do at times, but try to avoid basing your happiness on other people. You have the power to decide how your day will go. It took me many years to learn this concept, but once I did, I was much, much happier with my life.

4. If there's only one thing you learn from me during your life, I hope that it's this: You are very loved. Even if I get upset with you, or even when I tell you no. I love you. I promise to do everything in my power to help you to understand how much.

We still have a few weeks left before you come out and greet us, but I want you to know that we will keep you safe. Everything is ready and waiting for you to come home. 

See you soon, little one.

Love,

Mama

34 Weeks

Firstly, I'm sorry for the mess I've been making around here. I get so bored with the same look all the time and I don't have the cash to have someone else make my blog pretty for me. So, it's a trial and error thing for me to dink around with when I truly have nothing better to do with my time.

Secondly, I've been pretty lamesauce on posting "bump" pictures. So, here's a looker.

I had a doctor's appointment today, and let me tell you, I am NOT going to be using a male OB/GYN for the next kid. Not only is my doc a complete butt hole, but he's not exactly sympathetic to my symptoms and pains. Right, then. So I'll just punch you in the nads next time? Super. I'd change doctors, but the hospital in my town only has one OB, and I've only got a few weeks left, anyway.

Anyway, at this appointment of mine, I tell him my concerns about the swelling in my feet and ankles. I tell him about how painful it is to walk and ask if there's anything that I can do to help the situation. Nope, sorry. It's totally normal for your feet to look like water balloons and to feel like they're broken. Except, my mom and mother-in-law have both told me how un-normal they look and that I should get them checked out asap. My doctor also tells me that I've gained too much weight for my size and run the risk of being a "pudgy mommy" because it'll probably be really hard to lose the "excess weight" that I've gained.

Now, excuse me very much, but unless I'm mistaken, I haven't had an ultrasound since 20 weeks. He has no idea how much this kid weighs, or how much amniotic fluid I have. If the baby is perfectly healthy, and I'M perfectly healthy, why in the heck are you saying words like "pudgy mommy" to me? Now I'm definitely going to punch your happy sacks. He doesn't know that I work out like a psycho normally. He doesn't know that I was in the best shape of my life weighing in at 130 because I was almost solid muscle pre-pregnancy. So, pardon me, but you can kindly shut the hole in your face forever. Thaaaanks.

He also said that the baby is transverse, which is this:

And I'm well on my way to needing a c-section because she doesn't seem to be moving. Nice. 

Well, now that I'm nice and freaked out/pissed off, he tells me that I'm free to go and to have a nice day.

You too, bucko. I'll be back...

Excuse me, but I seem to have misplaced my ankles...

For those of you who have expressed sadness at my hiatus notice, never fear! I said that I wouldn't post AS MUCH. So, here I am to grace you with some snarkiness once again.

Yesterday, Nick's grandfather took us out shopping for some things that we desperately needed. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, my ankles and feet had swollen up so much that it was difficult to even wiggle my toes. You know that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when Violet Beauregarde turns into a giant blueberry? 

You see how she no longer has arms? Well, pretend that her body is my foot, and her arms are my toes. ...Seriously. I could literally push in on my foot with my thumb and stare at a huge pit for about five minutes. Cute, huh? I know. Being pregnant is so glamorous.

On another note, I'm apparently long past the point where people are hesitant to mention pregnancy just in case I'm actually just fat. People have just started coming up to me, grabbing my belly and telling me all about their horrific labor stories and/or offering me "comforting words of wisdom." I'm sorry, but who the heck are you? Why are you touching me? Can I grab your belly, too? No? Jeez. Touchy, touchy.

I've decided that I need to make a shirt like this immediately and wear it whenever I go out in public. I am not joking. Or, I can simply follow Rebeka Kuschmider's snarky advice from her blog, Mom in a Million. 

If you're looking for other saucy mom blogs, check these lovely ladies out:

Once you're finished laughing your face off, I give you permission to come back and thank me for directing you to the highlight of your day.

You're welcome.

Soap Box Maternity Monday

I am noticing more and more that the women who "loved being pregnant" haven't actually been pregnant for quite some time. I'm also noticing that those same women seem to look down on me for having the audacity to say that I dislike being pregnant. So, I will say this one last time...

Just because I'm not ecstatic about being a human vessel does not mean that I will love my child any less than you love yours. 

I dislike pregnancy. Not my baby. So, just go ahead and tell me how I feel about her. I dare you. No? Good idea.

I've always had a problem with people who tell me what I'm feeling and/or thinking. I'm sorry, are you me? Do you know every ounce of information there is to know about my pregnancy circumstances? No? Then keep your mouth shut. Yes, I may be hormonal and crabby. No, I haven't gotten much sleep lately and that's probably why I'm creating a new hole for you to breathe out of. But, seriously. What gives you the right to say these things to me? Do you know that every single piece of "advice" you give me makes me cry myself to sleep? Do you know that you are making me question whether or not I will be a good mother? Of course not. So, I'm telling you. 

Please, for the love of all that is good, pay attention to what you say and who you say it to. 

Maternity... uh... Wednesdays

Whelp, I'm 31 weeks along now. It's getting closer and closer to "D-Day" as my book calls it. (That's a bit daunting, no?) A few weeks ago I had to get some nicer maternity shirts and the cashier told me that she went into labor at 35 weeks. GOOD CRAP! That's, like, four weeks from now. How is it possible that I'm going to have a child this soon? Weird.

Anyway, sorry about missing the "Monday" part of Maternity Mondays. 

About the mommy:
Name: Michelle
Age: 22
Is this the first child?: Sure is.

About the daddy:
Name: Nicholai
Age: 22
Is this the first child?: Better be. (Just kidding. It totally is.)

Finding out:
What day did you find out you were pregnant?: Um. Sometime early November. I don't remember the date. Does that make me a bad person?
How did you feel when you found out?: Well, I was pretty sure that I was knocked up before I went out and bought the tests. But, I was kind of shocked.
Who was with you?: Nobody.
Where were you?: ...In the bathroom? At work, actually. HA.
How did the daddy react?: He said, "............................REALLY?!??"

Telling the grandparents:
How did your parents react?: My parents were actually not as excited as I had imagined. They were happy for us, but not, like, jumping up and down YAAAYYY-ing.
How did his parents react?: His parents were thrilled. Somebody cried, I can't remember who.
How often do they call to check on you?: Not often. We live relatively close to both sets, so we see them pretty regularly.

About the pregnancy:
When is your due date?: July 8th
How far along are you right now?: 31 weeks. (Holy crap.)
Have you had an ultra sound?: Yep. I've had... 3... I think?
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Pretty much every checkup. :)
Sex of the baby: Girl
Are you happy with what you are having?: Yes. I had a feeling it would be a girl long before we actually found out. So far, all of my "motherly instincts" have been right.

About the birth:
Who is going to be with you?: Well, hopefully the doctor. Other than that (and nurses or whatever), Nick is the only one I want in the room.
Are you going to video tape it?: Um, NO. Not jiggy with the ideas of cameras down yonder.
Natural or medicated?: Medicated. Actually, can I have an epidural NOW?
Do you think you will have a c-section?: I'd rather not.
Do you think you will cry when you first hold your baby?: Maybe. But it might be leftover crying from, y'know, giving birth.
Do you know what you will say to the baby when you first hold it?: "Hi, baby." (Just kidding. I have no idea.)
Are you scared about the labor?: I'm becoming less and less scared as time goes on. I'd rather just get it over with, like, yesterday.


Names:
Do you have a name picked out?: Yes. Alexa Nayeli Bucholz.
Is your baby going to be named after anyone?: Nope.
Did the daddy help pick the name?: He picked the middle name. I picked the first.

Other random questions:
Where was your baby conceived?: Ha! Well, judging by the "date of conception" thingy that the hospital gave me, I'd have to say Miami on our way to the honeymoon. (That's right. We weren't even ON the honeymoon yet.)
Have you felt the baby move?: Oh, boy. I sure have. I wish she'd just quit it for a while. It's really starting to hurt.
What was your first symptom?: Honestly? My boobs hurt.
Will you have godparents?: Probably not.
What is the baby's room theme?: There really is no "theme" per se. I guess the theme would be "Oh, look! A baby's room!"

Are you ready to be a mommy?: Honestly, probably not. But there's not a whole lot I can do about it now.

What do you think the baby will be a "daddys girl/boy" or a "mommys girl/boy"?: Oh, she'll definitely be a daddy's girl. I can almost guarantee it.

Maternity Mondays (On a Tuesday)

Just look at my belly.

How far along are you?: 30 weeks. (Holy mother...)

When are you due?: July 7th

Was this planned or unplanned?: Um. Pretty unplanned considering we got pregnant a grand total of five minutes after the wedding. (Okay, not really. But it might as well have been.)

How much weight gained?: Last time I checked, it was about 20 pounds. I feel prettyyy...

Is this your first pregnancy?: Yep. Succkkksssss.

Latest food craving: I desperately need a root beer float. STAT.

Baby's name?: Alexa Nayeli Bucholz

Worst thing about being pregnant?: Yeaahhh. Just about everything. Although she's getting REALLY big and is kind of making me think that I'm going to birth a 10 pound behemoth.

Best thing about being pregnant?: Well, Nick gives me foot rubs when I ask. ...Or cry.

The first person you told was: Nick. Y'know... the father?

Are you more scared or excited?: I'm actually terrified. 

Happy or mostly moody?: Um. Can I pass? Alright, fine. I'm moody a lot. Like, today at the grocery store, I kind of wanted to smack the cashier because he was taking too much. But, I'd like to believe that's normal.

Last time you cried over something ridiculous was...: This morning. I cried because I was gaining weight. ...shut up.

You pee an estimated ___ times a day: Oh, I'd say about 30 or so. I am not joking.

Weirdest dream you've had since you've been pregnant?: Well, I dreamt that I was being chased by a giant sausage. To escape from said sausage, I ran into some huge building that ended up being full of people waiting for Steven Tyler's autograph. Seriously.

Will you breast feed?: Not today, no. But after the baby's born I will.

Words of Wisdom: Make sure you KEEP WORKING OUT during your first trimester. No matter how tired you are, keep up the workout regimen. 

I know, I know. This is supposed to be Maternity Mondays. But, yesterday I felt like I had been hit by a bus, and blogging was really the farthest thing from my mind. I'm actually in the process of completely getting off of my anti-depressants and it's giving me some major withdrawal symptoms. In all honesty, I was going to skip blogging all week. (You'll get over it.) But, I was featured today on the lovely Julie's blog The Funny Thing of it Is and I figured that people might actually come and see me. So, here I am. Writing to you. However, this is only going to be a pregnancy update because I still feel like my head is caving in. 

Happy Tuesaday! (Or something)

Attack of the Killer Elbows

So, I've been having some back problems lately. And by "back problems" I mean that my back may in fact be falling off of my body. I mean, why else would it hurt so much, right?

In all honesty, I'm pretty sure Alexa is sitting on some awesome bundle of nerves that is connected to my back, bum and left leg simultaneously. Thanks a heap, kid.

I'm pretty sure she looks like this.
SuperGrump.
Should THAT be her middle name?

Anyway, I was looking up some back stretches for puffy pregnant ladies, and do you know what the first image result was? 

BAM! Seriously? They expect me to do this with a ginormous belly? I mean, if this is an image result for a "pregnant back stretch", then WHY ISN'T SHE PREGNANT?

Hang on. I'll fix it...

Do you see how she would actually be suffocating right now? Yeah. I think not, Google. No, thanks.

Also, I'm pretty sure that this child has my mother's elbows. 

This is a bad thing.

My mother is notorious for her heinously pointy elbows. I actually think she sharpens them when nobody's home. I've had some serious bruises from those bad boys. This development in my child frightens me immensely. Heaven help us all when she starts throwing tantrums...


Hugs and Elbows,
Michelle

What To Expect: Hits and Misses

There's a book out there that you may have heard of. It goes by many names. "The Pregnancy Bible", "The Best Book Ever. Seriously." and "I'm Not Sure What I'm Doing So I'll Check My Book."


It's more commonly referred to as "What To Expect When You're Expecting".


Now, there's a lot of really great information in that book. It saved my life when I was working with fighting with my first OB/GYN (who was a total jackhole, by the way) and I just could NOT get any answers out of her. However, I've found that while their information is sound, their illustrations aren't always the picture of reality.


For example:


How many of your have experienced those oh-so-fun leg cramps that come with your pregnancy? Everyone? Of course you have. They're inevitable.
And how many of those leg cramps made it feel like your leg was imploding? All of them? Of course they did.

So, here's the illustration Heidi Murkoff provides in her book about how to "Stretch Away Leg Cramps":

Oh, Heidi. You must be mistaken. Nobody on God's green earth would be that cool, calm and collected while trying to stretch one of those mothers away. You must have meant for the picture to look like this:

That's better.


I could spend hours fixing those silly illustrations to something more realistic. But, I won't. Mostly because I don't have the patience for it and my bum is falling asleep as I type this. At any rate, don't rely on those darned illustrations for realistic expectations of how pregnancy will be. I know, I know... in the end, you get a cute little prize. However, that comes with its own barrel of fun.

Anyway... Happy Tuesday!

Maternity Mondays

How far along? 29 weeks. (That's it? Ugh.)

Total weight gain: 19 Pounds. (Yep. I lost one whole pound.)

Maternity clothes? My goodness, yes. I can't even think about my pre-pregnancy jeans anymore.

Stretch marks? Thankfully, no. 

Sleep: Not a lot. I actually had to suck it up and take a sleeping pill last night. I woke poor Nick up with all the pillows being thrown and my crying fit.

Best moment this week: Honestly? Nick and I went to his parents house and I found the MOTHERLOAD of Starbursts.

Miss anything? I miss being able to pull up my pants without getting winded. Seriously. I also miss being the only one inhabiting my body.

Movement: Oh, yes. All the fracking time. 

Food cravings: Mainly popsicles. But I REALLY wanted a root beer float yesterday.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Yeah, actually. But I'm not sure what. I hope it isn't the case for me, but I read that morning sickness can come back in the third trimester? That bites.

Gender: As far as I know, she's still a girl.

Labor signs: Nope. Too early for that. But I've started those wonderful Braxton Hicks contractions. Boy howdy those really suck.

Symptoms: Oh, I'm just a delight to be around. Insomnia is in full swing and my back is KILLING me.

Belly button in or out? It's actually level with the rest of my belly. It's not poking out. It just doesn't exist anymore.

Wedding rings on or off? Most of the time they're off. Stupid kielbasa fingers...

Happy or moody most of the time: I'm pretty neutral most of the time. I wouldn't say I'm overly happy. But I do certainly have my lows.

Looking forward to: Being able to work out and run the way I used to. Man, I miss that.