Thursday, June 21, 2012

A Conversation with my Body

As a preface to this post, there's not a whole lot I can physically do anymore. That said, let me paint you a little word picture:

You finally get comfortable on the couch after huffing and puffing your way downstairs when you realize that you have to pee. Again. So, naturally, you hoist yourself up and go about your business. Upon coming back to the couch, you find that sitting in exactly the same position that was comfortable to you ten minutes ago is now horrifically uncomfortable. Great. It doesn't matter, anyways, because now you're hungry. Like, on the verge of death hungry. So, you waddle into the kitchen and make yourself a snack that you only end up eating half of because the baby shifted positions and is suddenly squashing a majority of your stomach. Whatever. You can just save it for later. After wrapping up your snack and putting it in the fridge, you realize how incredibly tired you are. You dread tackling the stairs again, but you know you'll never be able to fall asleep on the couch. Twenty minutes have gone by and you've finally made it up the stairs. Hooray! Too bad you can't breathe anymore because now the baby is using one of your lungs as a beanbag chair. After crawling the rest of the way to your bedroom and finding a decent position to lie in, it's time to pee again...

Okay, okay. I jest. It only takes me five minutes to get up the stairs.

After experiencing all of this just about every day, I've started to really become annoyed with my body. How in the world am I supposed to take care of a baby when I can hardly manage any of the normal bodily functions anymore? Fed up, I finally had to have a little prayer meeting with myself...

Me: Body, what gives? It's 2:00 in the morning and you aren't even tired! This is unacceptable.
Legs: We're  tired.
Back: I'm always tired. Why do you think I scream at you to sit down so often?
Brain: Sorry about that. I'm too busy worrying. Don't you think you should figure out what to do if your baby was born without fingers? 
Me: Um. Not really, Brain. That's really useless to worry about because the ultrasound showed that all of her fingers and toes are accounted for.
Brain: But what about....
Me: Give it a rest, Brain. Now, Belly, why don't you suck it in a little? You're looking a bit doughy.
Boobs: Hey! What are we going to rest on, then?
Me: Well, you could always sit up straight. I would actually prefer it if you did.
Boobs: No, thanks. 
Belly: They keep me warm, anyway. 
Me: What if I put on some more layers? 
Belly: Oh, no. That would be far too hot. Actually, can you turn on the fan?
Legs: NO! We're tired! Please don't get up!
Back: But sitting down so much is hurting me...
Me: I thought standing up hurt you?
Back: It's both, really.
Me: Should I lie down, then?
Back, Boobs, and Belly: NO!
Legs: YES!
Me: Baby.... can you come out now?
Belly: I'm hungry...

Aunie Sauce



  2. Aww sweetie.. you're almost there.. I needed this last year around this time.. : ) Hang in there!!

  3. Thank you for having me chuckle out loud in my work office. That was great! Ha! Now I know what I get to look forward to :) You're almost there!


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