An Explanation

I feel like Usher.

And this is my Confessions Part 2.

That last post I wrote...

the one about hating being pregnant?

Let's just ignore that.

I re-read that yesterday and I thought, "Holy cow! This is really negative."

Even Nick told me that my posts have been getting more and more depressed sounding.

My apologies.

I do suffer from clinical depression.

I have for many, many years.

I even took medication for it.

However, the medication that I was taking 

was actually a narcotic. 

Nice.

They didn't tell me that when it was prescribed to me

as a fourteen year old.

They didn't tell me how miserable it would be

to wean myself off of it.

To make a long story short,

it's not a safe drug for pregnancy.

But it's even more dangerous for me to simply

stop taking it.

So it's a slow, painful and drawn-out process

to clean my body.

I mean, after almost nine years of taking this

my body has become addicted to it.

Go figure.

So, needless to say, I have these little sporadic moments of depression

that creep up on me when I'm not expecting it.

Before the medication

I used to hurt myself because of that depression.

I wanted to die.

To fight off those feelings

I would write.

Poetry.

Songs.

Anything.

Now it's become a habit.

I get sad

I write.

Granted, I don't hurt myself anymore.

I don't want to die.

I have too much to live for.

My life is good! 

Why am I depressed?

Pregnancy hormones.

Medication wonkyness.

Lack of sleep.

Take your pick.

Anyway

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm okay.

Really.

I don't hate my baby.

I don't hate myself.

I just vent by writing.

...and eating ice cream.

Sudden Realizations

I realized something yesterday.

I was out shopping killing time in Minneapolis

and it hit me.

I'm incredibly uncomfortable being in public

as a pregnant woman.

There are some women who claim,

"I've never felt more beautiful." 

I wish I felt that way.

Honestly, I hate being pregnant.

 I hate it.

I know that it's a "beautiful process" and whatever.

And I know that to have my baby here later

I have to go through pregnancy now.

But, so far, I'm hating every second of this.

I feel shallow

and ungrateful.

I should be happy that I am experiencing this.

Right?

But I don't.

I was so health conscious pre-pregnancy

that I feel like a planet now.

I'm depressed because my fat pants don't fit.

I have no energy compared to what I used to have.

I haven't taken any pictures of my bump

because taking pictures makes me uncomfortable.

I feel like every other pregnant woman in the universe is cuter than I am.

Does every woman go through this?

Is this like the five stages of grief?

Because, so far, I'm really struggling with acceptance.

Is it terrible of me to hate my pregnancy?

Don't get me wrong, I love my child.

I'm just not one of those women who loooooves being pregnant.

I don't like who I am when I'm pregnant.
I don't like flying off the handle at stupid things.
I don't like feeling useless.
I am excited for Alexa to get here.
I just wish that the stork thing was real.

Thursday 13

This morning I hopped over to aunieSAUCE

to get the topic for this week's Thursday 13.

Alas!

She couldn't think of anything!

Soooooo...

I decided to revisit an older link up between Aunie and Jenna over at The Life of the Wife

and post the Last 13 Things I [whatever].

Yay!

THE LAST THING I...

ATE:

Some yummy MultiGrain Cheerios. :) Seriously the BEST kind of Cheerios available.

BOUGHT:

A maternity t-shirt from Target in Mankato. Why aren't there maternity places in Marshall!?

LAUGHED AT:

This:

MADE:

Those adorable wall letters for my baby's nursery. :)

CRIED ABOUT:

Who knows? I cry about so many stupid things now that I'm pregnant. Half the time I don't even know why I'm crying in the first place. ...My poor husband.

READ:

I read about the actual birthing process. Now I'm looking forward to it even less...

ENVIED:

People who's body looks like this:

DEFINITELY my post-baby goal.

THOUGHT:

Am I even going to have time to work out after this kid gets here? What in the heck am I getting myself into?

CRAVED:

A fruit smoothie. My husband recently bought some Dole frozen fruit from Sam's Club and with a bit of sugar, lemon juice, and strawberry yogurt, I swear it tastes just like Jamba Juice's "Strawberry Surf Rider". [Which just so happens to be my favorite.]

WISHED:

That the tickets to The Hunger Games haven't been sold out yet. Nick called me up about an hour ago and asked if I wanted to go. Um. YES.

LISTENED TO:

I've recently been obsessed with this song. I LOVE it when rock groups incorporate piano into their music. *siiiigh*
[Although the video is a bit cheesy...]

WONDERED:

How long does it take other people to come up with 13 things to write about? I think it takes me way too long sometimes...

FORGOT TO DO:

Definitely forgot where my keys were supposed to go the other day. Where did I put them?

The fridge.

Seriously.

My Time to DIY

So I know that in my little

"About Me" thingy over there -->

it says that I don't DIY. 

And that's normally true.

But, today I got all motherly and I finally started my "nesting process."

Lemme show you.

Yesterday, I purchased these white letters and scrapbook papers from Hobby Lobby in Mankato.

I was kind of hoping to find letters that weren't so

curvy

but, no dice.

Anyways...

I started off by turning the paper AND the letter upside down to trace.

Because my paper choices had lots of black, I figured it would show up easier

on the back.

Plus, I wouldn't have all these stupid pencil marks all over the front.

Voila! After I traced, I had my wonderful mother cut out the letters.

Because I'm not very good horrible with scissors

and can't cut in a straight line to save my life.

Unfortunately I forgot to take pictures of that.

I'm sure you know what cutting looks like, though.

You're smart.

After the paper was cut, I checked to make sure everything was hunky dory.

I mean, it would be pretty rotten to glue it down and THEN find issues.

Now it's time for your handy dandy Mod Podge.

I also bought this at Hobby Lobby. (It was the smaller of the two bottles.)

And my goodness I had forgotten how smelly this stuff was!

Yuck.

Pour yourself a pretty healthy blob onto a lid or plate.

After you've coated your letter with the glue, press the paper onto it and make sure it lies flat.

We don't like bubbles here.

Add another coat of Mod Podge over the paper...

...and flatten out bubbles again using a popsicle stick.

Avoid using your finger. Otherwise, you'll have that bizarre peely stuff going on when it dries.

Set aside, and let your letters air dry for fifteen minutes...

Now your letter will look glossy. Add 2 - 3 more coats. (Wait 15 minutes between coats to make sure they're nice and dry)

I actually added four coats

but that was because I messed up and poured WAY too much on my lid.

Oh well. More shine for me!

Now, I don't have a picture of the finished product.

Sorry.

It's actually still at my mom's drying.

But!

I can show you a picture of what it's supposed to look like...

Cute, huh? 

I'll make sure to take some pictures when the letters are all hung up on the wall of

Alexa's nursery. YAY!

It was a pretty easy project, overall. But it was VERY time consuming. 

That's probably why I'm not a very craft-oriented person.

I have no patience.

If it doesn't look cute immediately... pssshhht. No, thanks.

Exercise and Swollen Cankles

I'm 24 weeks pregnant now.

On some levels, it seems to have flown by.

On others...

it's totally dragging.

I now have the joy of swollen feet and

CANKLES.

Really!?! 

My legs have always been my best feature.

I'm a runner for heaven's sake!

It depresses me to have these hippo feet

and elephant legs.

But I know that this, too, shall pass.

My belly button is all sticky outy now. 

That's not exactly attractive.

I've been reading about how some men find the pregnant body

"the sexiest kind of body for a woman." 

Are they high??

I look at myself in the mirror after a shower, and all I can think is,

"OMG. Put your clothes ON."

But even clothes can't mask my rotund belly.

*sigh*

Apart from crying about my deteriorating self image

I've been doing a LOT better at working out.

I can't really run anymore.

(I look/feel awkward.)

But, I do go on a lot of walks and use the elliptical at the YMCA.

I also do select TurboFire workouts.

Music is essential to my routine.

I have to have the right "pump you up" jams to get me through, sometimes.

A lot of them aren't very "worky outy" but they do have a killer beat that I can keep up with

while I'm huffing and puffing on the elliptical.

My playlist is so widespread.

I have everything from Cradle of Filth

to Miley Cyrus.

Seriously.

I'm not very picky when it comes to music.

If it hits a mood I've ever been in

or gets me to dance

I love it.

What kinds of music do you listen to while you exercise? 

AND

How did you deal with pregnancy blues?

Thursday 13

This week the Thursday Thirteen has toned it down a bit for a more 

thought-provoking list.

Normally I'm a pretty upbeat person, but we all have our secret desires.

We all wish for something more.

And, if you haven't checked out Annelise over at aunieSAUCE, you really ought to. She's one fab writer and cute to boot!

So, without further adieu, here's the list.

13 Things I wish/pray for on a daily basis:


1. For my child to be born healthy. This really goes without saying. I mean, who DOESN'T want the best for their child?


2. To have a better immune system. I realize that pregnancy has kind of stifled my sickness fighters, but come ON. I'm sick pretty much every other week! Can't it be just a little harder for me to catch things?

3. To find a job after we move. I know that it will be tough because of my bump, but we will need the extra income for a few months. I'd even settle for McDonald's. Again.

4. To have energy. So far, my list is pretty selfish. (Apart from number 1...) But this is a biggie for me. I sleep a LOT and I'm still dragging all day. I exercise. I eat right (kind of) and I still can hardly muster up the energy to shower or do the dishes.

5. For my little brother to wise up. He's only 13, but he's so naive. And, not the innocent kind. The "what-the-heck-were-you-thinking" kind. He's pretty sheltered, and I'm afraid that one of these days he's going to get the living snot beat out of him for saying something cocky to someone who's a lot bigger than he is.

6. To fully and completely overcome my depression. I used to hate myself. I used to hurt myself. I still have the scars as a reminder. I'm actually proud of those scars. I never want to get rid of them. They remind me of the darkest point in my life - a point that I never thought I would escape from. I'm proud of those scars because I can look at them now. Because I am alive. I still have a long way to go, but I appreciate how far I've come.


7. To find new ways of earning my husband's love. That man is absolutely, hands down, the most incredible man I've ever met. He is my soul mate and my friend. Some days I look at him and wonder what on God's green earth is wrong with him. How in the world did he end up with me? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of his love. But I know that he sees me. Truly sees me. I know that if I weren't what he needed, he wouldn't be with me - he wouldn't have married me. For that, I am thankful. I want to work every day to show him how much I appreciate him.

8. To stop wrongfully judging others. I know that I'm not alone when I say that I do this. Everyone does it. I find myself out in public thinking, "Holy cow. Look at that NOSE!" or... "It's not even windy. Why does their hair look like that?" Stupid, shallow things. I know I can be better than that. Those people don't deserve it. If I don't want to be judged, who am I to judge others?

9. To forgive my ex-husband. This will be the hardest thing on my list. How can I possibly forgive someone who completely destroyed me? I was numb, cynical and angry for an entire year after he left, while I covered it up with a smile. It was exhausting. Very few people knew the struggles I was facing inside. But, I'm happy now. And I know that if it weren't for him being a spineless (bleep), I would have never had the chance to fall for Nick. I wouldn't have been the kind of person that Nick needed. So, for that, I am grateful. I am, honestly, in my ex's debt.

10. To be a good mother. This is what keeps me up at night. This is what I worry about constantly. What am I doing? Am I even ready for this? Someone is going to be completely and totally dependent on me. I am literally holding her life in my hands. That scares me to death.

11. To prioritize my time. Granted, there are plenty of things I should be doing right now. Blogging is not one of them. I need to stop rationalizing with myself over why I do dumb things. I am my own worst critic. I am the harshest person that I have to be accountable to. Am I afraid of myself?

12. To stop being content. I've learned that when I'm content with where I am - or who I am - I stop trying to be better. I stop learning. I stop progressing. It's a vicious cycle. I'm happy - I'm lazy - I'm depressed - I try harder. Around and around it goes...

13. To just do the dang dishes! It's the chore that I despise. It's icky and smelly and it hurts my wimpy, pregnant back. Suck it up, Michelle. They aren't going to clean themselves.

The Awkward Years

Oh man.

This link up was WAY too funny to not participate in.

I just HAD to...

But, not only because I thought it was funny.

It's because I have this over abundance of awkward photos.

Let me show you...

Exhibit A. Now, you may not initially see anything awkward about this, but I will enlighten you. First and foremost, I am the oldest in this picture. By a good... oh... three years? Secondly, our theatre getup with those hideous bow ties. NOBODY liked wearing them. And third, I'm NOT chewing any gum. So, I'm not quite sure what that shiny thing in my mouth is. 

Okay, now, I'll admit that we DID do this on purpose. This picture still makes me laugh and I will cherish it until the day that I die, but it is incredibly awkward. The class we were in, Sociology, was probably one of the most boring classes I have ever had to suffer through. Naturally, to alleviate that boredom, a friend and I put scotch tape on our noses and took a horrendous amount of pictures. IN CLASS. 

Nothing is more awkward for me than singing. Granted, I love to sing. Love it. But I just don't know what to do with my ARMS. So, consequently, they just dangle there. Lifeless and awkward. 

Okay, so this picture makes me laugh, too. Sometimes I really enjoy my awkward pictures. Here's the story: A friend and I were video chatting with a seemingly VERY poor internet connection. We were constantly being disconnected. I got so frustrated. This is how my face froze on her screen for a good half hour. Now, mind you, we were still talking. This was just all she was seeing. Nice.

Back to the theatre we go. Now, this picture isn't very awkward, but the aftermath of it is. See those little dots on my face? I had originally put "freckles" on with eyeliner prior to coming to work, but because working with hot popcorn makes me sweaty, it all faded off. A friend of mine came up with this genius idea to use PERMANENT MARKER to draw on the freckles. Needless to say, those freckles were stuck there for three days after Halloween. 

This picture speaks volumes about how uncoordinated I am. We were trying to do one of those "ninja kick" pictures. We tried roughly... I dunno... a million times. This is what we eventually settled for.

Last but not least. Another awkward singing picture, but I'm enhancing my awkwardness by making a ridiculous face. I don't remember, but I can only hope that I'm doing this on purpose...

What are YOUR awkward moments?

Insomnia

I've been awake since 3:30.

I had to get up to blow my nose.

It seemed innocent enough...

I shouldn't have done that.

Now I'm awake. Forever.

So, it's 5:45 in the morning, and what am I doing?

Blogging.

I mean, what else am I going to do?

Nick is still sleeping.

(Lucky him.)

And all the neighbors are sleeping.

So I can't work out just yet.

Although, of course, I have the motivation to RIGHT at this very moment.

I'm sure that by the time people wake up, it'll be gone.

*sigh*

You know, I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that I'm just not one of those pregnant ladies who look cute being pregnant. 

Some women just...

glow.

Me? I'm all huffy puffy and crabby from trying to climb the stairs.

My glow? It's called sweat.

I guess I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable in my [pregnant] skin

if I wasn't so workout savvy and health conscious before.

(And if all my excess pregnancy weight didn't settle into my face. UGH.)

So, despite my sickness and lack of desire to do anything

I'm going to give pregnancy workouts another shot.

I realize that I should have been doing this all along, and I'm going to regret it immensely

but I am having one heckuva pregnancy.

I know, I know...

*cry* *sob* *boo hoo*

Suck it up, Michelle.

Sick Daze and Sock Bunz

Sorry, folks. 

Still no bump pictures.

Why, you ask?

Because for the past week I've had this awful, phlegm-y, hacking cough, with body aches

and nausea to boot.

But, the real kicker?

NO FEVER.

WTFridge?!

So, needless to say, I've been a real joy to be around.

My mom, (bless her heart) since Nick has been out of town, has been running around getting me medicine and soup and offering to do my dishes.

She's the best mom ever.

I've pretty much quarantined myself in my apartment. 

I've been super cold and unable to keep anything down.

But suddenly,

like, 10 minutes ago,

I got really warm.

REALLY warm.

And THIRSTY.

Like, OMGOSH thirsty.

I think I'm on my third glass of water in ten minutes.

Hopefully that means I'm getting better.

Have you ever been super sick
to the point where you have, like, no energy
to even make yourself a pb&j
much less shower?
So, consequently, you don't shower for days?
Yeah.
I feel much better after showering.
But not jump-up-for-joy-and-shout-hooray better.


On another note:
I'm trying this "Sock Bun" method of curling my hair.
I will also not be taking any pictures of me with this in since it doesn't look nearly as cute on me
as it does on her.
And by "not nearly as cute" I mean, it looks terrible.
But, anyways, I'll let you know how it turns out in the morning.
Because my hair is shoulder length, it may not turn out very cute.
*sigh*

Friday's Letters

Dear Crankypants at Church: I'm very sorry that I'm not the spitting image of what you expect from a teacher. But, this pregnancy is incredibly difficult for me. I'm sick all the time and I'm trying to wean myself off of a narcotic anti-depressant that I've been addicted to since I was 14 years old. So, I would appreciate it if you would quit judging me.

Dear Sam and Dean Winchester: Why aren't you real?! You would be the coolest people to hang out with!

Dear Cold/Flu/Whateveryouare: You are slowly, but surely, killing me. Please go away asap so that I can remember what it feels like to breathe and/or sit up without passing out. Thaaanks.

Dear Uma Thurman: You gave a bad rep to bloggers everywhere in the movie "Motherhood." Thanks a lot. Now whenever I blog, my husband calls me Uma.

Dear Pregnancy Hormones: Care to share the wealth with my hair? My nails are growing at a superhuman rate, but I don't really care about those.

Dear Nick: I miss you already, and you've been gone for about two hours. What am I going to do with myself for the next three days?! You are an amazing man, and I am so happy that you "saw" me after you  came home from your mission. I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you.

Dear Alexa: Thanks for being strong enough so that daddy can feel you kick. He doesn't think you hate him anymore. Yay! However, could you please stop punching my bladder? Please? It's not very nice.

Dear Readers: If you read my blog, and have a GMail account, why don't you follow? I like knowing that I have an audience. :)

Thursday 13

The Top 13 Things I Would Want on a Desert Island are:

1. Nick. Of course  I would want him there with me. He's amazing! He's brave, strong and gets this super cute look on his face when he's concentrating. He can hunt, build stuff, and, above all, keep the sniveling pregnant lady company.

2. Stuff to distill water. Chances are, the water around the island will be salty, and therefore undrinkable. 

3. Stuff to hunt WITH. Thanks, Nick. (He found out that this was the Thursday 13, and has started spouting off ideas for me. hehe.) Preferably something more than a sharpened stick. Like an AR-15. Or at least a machete. And a fishing pole.

4. Books. I'm sure there will be tons of things to occupy my time on this island (what with our survival at stake) but I may get bored. So, books a plenty!

5. Stuff to occupy NICK with. Currently he is throwing little mints at me for his own entertainment. So, to avoid this same situation with coconuts, we should give him something to play with, too. Like... a monkey. Or my iPhone so he can play Angry Birds or Temple Run. Aaaaaallll day.

6. Shampoo. I absolutely hate having greasy, dirty hair. And, while it may not be a necessity, this is MY list. I must be clean. It helps to improve my mood.

7. Sunscreen. While Nick may have been blessed with beautiful Native American skin, I am still a pasty, white girl and burn easily. Curse you, fair complexion! 

8. Music. I love my music, and I could very literally go insane without it. So, while I'm out gathering berries or firewood, I'd be jamming out on my iPod. Hecks yes.

9. Rope. Lots and lots of rope. Then we can build shelters, traps, and tie each other up when we get annoyed. Erm.. I mean, of course not.

10. Medicine. There will come a time that one of us (ie: me) will become sick. Like, deathly sick. Like, bitten by a rabid monkey sick. Gotta have supplies for that, man. You just can't be too careful.

11. Flint and Steel. Like most deserts, it will probably get cold at night, and we'll need some way to cook all the awesome food that Nick hunted. Fire is a necessity.

12. A Camera. Come on, a desert island? There's probably some seriously gorgeous stuff out there. And, even though it's a death trap and we'll probably never get off, it'd be cool to have some pictures to capture the happier times.

13. Toilet Paper. I know, there won't be any toilets per se, but I am NOT using a leaf. Nooooo thank you.

Apologies, Videos, and Baby Kicks

It's been a while

since I blogged last. 

My apologies.

I've been sick. 

(Have I mentioned that being pregnant sucks?)

But I wanted to take a very short amount of your time

to show you a movie.

This movie.

It is a 30 minute longdocumentary/cryfest about a man.Joseph Kony.
Now, normally I'm not a very political person.I don't "get involved" so to speak.But I will for this. This man is, to put it simply,Evil.Please take a few minutes to watch this powerful videoand support Invisible Children.

In other news...Nick can feel Alexa kick now! He is SO happy.And so relieved that she doesn't "hate daddy."Of course she doesn't.She's just too little.
Anyway, whenever I tell him that she's awake in therehe comes running over to put his hands on my belly.The look on his face when he felt her for the first time wasamazing.
I promise I'll post pictures of my belly soon. I don't have any cute ones yet.

I'm doing well in my "hair therapy" goal.It's driving me crazy not to have complete control over my manebut I'm getting by.I am in desperate need of creative hair ideas, though.Especially for shoulder-lengtha-line bobs.WHY did I cut my hair that way? 

Thursday 13

This week's Thursday 13 is again brought to you by aunieSAUCE

and the topic isssss.....

My favorite ways to spend my free time:

1. Listening to music. I love it, and I can't imagine my world without music. I can't even drive five minutes without something playing on the radio.

2. Reading. Right now I'm finally getting around to reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It took a lot of willpower for me to drag myself away from that book to blog about reading the book.

3. Napping. I know, lame. But, being pregnant makes me tired. Sue me.

4. Experimenting with my hair. I am also taking a page out of Bye Bye Beehive's book and doing away with heat styling. So, needless to say, I actually have to do something with it so I don't look like a poodle every day.

5. Blogging. I have recently gotten into the swing of blogging and have become obsessed with making things pretty and enjoyable for my few readers. My husband makes fun of me, but, whatever. 

6. Exercising. I know. Exercising AND napping on the list? Come on. Every day is an adventure and I can't be doing the same thing all the time. I get bored. Plus, like I said, being pregnant makes me tired. But I really do enjoy a good workout. 

7. Kissing my husband. Don't worry, no TMI here. But who doesn't enjoy smooching their significant other?  I mean, really. Just LOOK at him.

8. Shooting guns. I had never shot a gun before I started dating Nick. His father thinks it is SO COOL that I seriously enjoy shooting. [Not to mention, I'm awesome at it.] 

9. Eating. This should be a given. Helloooooo, pregnant? 

10. Decorating. I have thought countless times how much fun it would be to become an interior designer. When Nick first moved into his apartment (before we were married) he let me decorate it. I went NUTS. It was so much fun.

11. Walking outside. Not so much in the winter - hello? it's cold - but I LIVE for summertime walks. Sometimes I include my iPod, but usually I just let nature surround me.

12. Playing guitar. I'm not very good, but I've written some songs, and I enjoy playing them. Over and over and over and over and over and...

13. Watching "Supernatural." Oh yes. My one and only vice. I have watched this show religiously since season 1, and I can't get enough.