Tuesday, March 27, 2012

An Explanation

I feel like Usher.
And this is my Confessions Part 2.


That last post I wrote...
the one about hating being pregnant?
Let's just ignore that.
I re-read that yesterday and I thought, "Holy cow! This is really negative."
Even Nick told me that my posts have been getting more and more depressed sounding.
My apologies.

I do suffer from clinical depression.
I have for many, many years.
I even took medication for it.
However, the medication that I was taking 
was actually a narcotic. 
Nice.
They didn't tell me that when it was prescribed to me
as a fourteen year old.
They didn't tell me how miserable it would be
to wean myself off of it.
To make a long story short,
it's not a safe drug for pregnancy.
But it's even more dangerous for me to simply
stop taking it.
So it's a slow, painful and drawn-out process
to clean my body.
I mean, after almost nine years of taking this
my body has become addicted to it.
Go figure.
So, needless to say, I have these little sporadic moments of depression
that creep up on me when I'm not expecting it.


Before the medication
I used to hurt myself because of that depression.
I wanted to die.
To fight off those feelings
I would write.
Poetry.
Songs.
Anything.

Now it's become a habit.
I get sad
I write.
Granted, I don't hurt myself anymore.
I don't want to die.
I have too much to live for.
My life is good! 
Why am I depressed?

Pregnancy hormones.
Medication wonkyness.
Lack of sleep.
Take your pick.

Anyway
I just wanted to let you all know that I'm okay.
Really.
I don't hate my baby.
I don't hate myself.
I just vent by writing.


...and eating ice cream.

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