Anarchy rules, jumbo shrimp, and other oxymorons...

Time can be so vicious. Time can separate friendships, creating a wedge between them until, suddenly, it's too late.

Is there a way to slow things down or maybe even rewind?

It's times like these when I wonder what genius said, "Only time will tell." NO. That is a stupid saying. Why would you postpone asking a question when there is a chance that time's ugliness will never let you unravel the answer? I understand the importance of thinking long-term in some cases. But, life is better lived today. 

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow, a mystery. But, today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

It's so very discouraging to not see a glimpse of happiness while trudging through some of life's bitterness. The Lord has a Plan for each of us. I know that. There are just times when I look around and can't see the significance of disappointment after disappointment. Those are the times when I think to myself, "I see no blessings in this. This just sucks." It's times like that when I need to realize that I apparently needed to be humbled. A lot.

Moral of the story: Live life now. Grab onto it with both hands and never let go. Happiness is often found amidst all the junk life dishes out.

...and I'm on my knees looking for the answer

College is a dangerous game if not played correctly. Life in general is even worse. There always needs to be that forward motion. Unfortunately, there is no "standing still." You're either moving forward, or you're sliding back.

I'm trying so hard to find something to motivate me for more than a few weeks, but nothing seems to last. I go to college because I know that getting an education is important. But, in reality, all I really want to be is a mother. But, I suppose I need to take a step back and look at the Big Picture. Sometimes children need home schooling. If college isn't a success for me, how will I teach my kids? How can I help them with homework? How can I do anything at all for them? Maybe there's my motivation. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this because I love my future children enough to learn now.

I've been feeling so adventurous lately. I just want to go out and live the life I missed out on. I want to be able to look back on my early years when I'm old and have these fantastic stories to tell my posterity. So far, I don't have much. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything. I just want to achieve more. I want to be more.

Lately I'm starting to feel more fulfilled, however. I have amazing friends who lift me up and help to bring me closer to my Savior. Sure, we goof off, but we also have some pretty awesome discussions about a lot of important things. I love them very much.

I also have a family who applauds and praises me for the good decisions I make, while allowing me to learn from the wrong ones. We have never been super close like other families I know, but we work well together. I know that I chose them in the pre-existence for a reason.

I have so many opportunities ahead of me, and I have the power to chose who I am and who I will become. Sometimes that thought is incredibly overwhelming, but most of the time it brings me such peace. It is incredibly liberating to sit back and discover for yourself the power you have in your own life.

I love my life and the people in it. Everyone I've ever met thus far has touched my spirit in some way. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping to mold my life.

There is more

I feel like my posts are so very redundant. But, seriously, life is SO. AWESOME.

I am so incredibly grateful for so many things. Honestly, there's not enough time in the world for me to list them all. But there is one that I will elaborate on - my divorce.

I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine, but it was important enough that I feel the need to share it with my readers.

Despite the fact that a divorce is a horrible thing to go through, and it broke me completely, I don't regret the choices I made leading up to my marriage or the marriage itself. If I could go back and do it over, knowing what I know, I would still marry him. That experience allowed me to see deeper into myself. It allowed me to change and mold myself into someone I could be happy with if I were to never marry again. Now, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I like who I am, and the direction that I'm going.

Because I chose to look forward instead of back, I was able to see a bigger picture for myself. I was able to see who I could be, and who I never wanted to become.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow - a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

So much noise

Satan is working diligently on me to tear me down bit by bit. Unfortunately, I'm letting him.

He infiltrates our lives in different ways. For some it's the Word of Wisdom. For others, pornography. For me, it's my self worth. The worse I feel about myself, the tighter the grip Satan has over me, and the easier it is for him to drag me down.

It's times like these when I need to have my Patriarchal Blessing at the ready. It's times like these when I need to remember that those thoughts are not from God. The Lord doesn't make mistakes, and I am no exception. I have a purpose and a mission on this earth at this time. I can be exactly what somebody else needs.

Despite the fact that I occasionally feel abandoned and incredibly lonely, I must remember that the Lord's love is above all else. How selfish am I that I require more?

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." (Mosiah 24:14)

What a powerful scripture. But what I enjoy the most is at the end of verse 15.

"...and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." (Mosiah 24:15) 

...rely on this Redeemer

"All the water in the world (no matter how it tries) can never sink the smallest ship unless it gets inside. All the evil in the world (the darkest kind of sin) can never hurt me in the least unless I let it in."

 It's always hard to come down from a spiritual high. Yesterday and today were especially rough on me, and were pretty emotionally draining.

Life and the spirit that we keep is so incredibly fragile. I have learned the hard way that without a testimony of our Savior and the love He has for us, that spirit can be crushed again and again with very little effort on the adversary's part. That testimony is like a little force field of hope around what would otherwise be a very depressing life.

“In the search for our best selves, several questions will guide our thinking: Am I what I want to be? Am I closer to the Savior today than I was yesterday? Will I be closer yet tomorrow? Do I have the courage to change for the better?

“The years have come and the years have gone, but the need for a testimony of the gospel continues paramount. As we move toward the future, we must not neglect the lessons of the past.” (President Thomas S. Monson)

 I know the healing power of the Savior's embrace. I have felt His love for me and have allowed Him to use me as an instrument in His hands so that others may know of His love as well. He is real. He lives. He is my Light and my Hope. I will serve Him until eternity passes away.

"It Passes All My Understanding"

Look and Live

Oh, this weekend was so SO good. And by "good", I mean stellar. James, Daniel, Nichole and I had the opportunity to attend a YSA dance on Saturday night in The Cities, as well as their single's ward on Sunday. It was a powerful experience for me. (Although, I was hecka jealous of James while he was reconnecting with his fellow EFY counselors. I wish I could have been there.)

Sunday was, for the most part, incredibly uplifting. Not only was I able to feel of the Spirit during church, the car ride home was equally as edifying. James and I (with the occasional comment from the back seat) had some pretty awesome conversations while listening to our collection of EFY music. We sang along and discussed our favorite lyrics as well as most spiritual experiences at EFY.

I may or may not have taken some wrong turns on purpose to make it last longer.

There was a particular song that James introduced me to that I just fell in love with. I believe he said it was on the 2003 CD. It was called, "It Passes All My Understanding". Unfortunately, I can't find the lyrics anywhere, but the song is absolutely beautiful. I highly recommend a visit to YouTube to listen to it. :)

One final thought: There was a talk given this Sunday by a young woman that really struck me. She spoke about President Monson's talk entitled, "Charity Never Faileth." While I had the privilege of hearing that talk from the Prophet's mouth, it was wonderful to have it recounted. She said that there were only two emotional "come froms" in our lives: from love, or from fear. Everything we do or say, how we act, and who we associate with all stems back to those two emotions. That, ladies and gentlemen, is powerful stuff.