Friday's Letters

Dear Lovekins: You're so awesomepants for taking care of me last week while I was puking up my guts. Honestly, how many stomachs can I possibly have for all of that to be produced? Regardless, I love you a whole bunch. However, I'm mad at you because when I "got you sick", all you got was a neckache. Boo. I mean, how do you do that? How do I spend four days in the fetal position clutching a bucket, when you get a neckache and are "a little chilly"?

Dear Christmas: I hate you and I love you. I hate you because: You're expensive. You're cold. You're messy. You come bearing fruitcake from everyone I have ever met. You are no longer politially correct. I love you because: You're Christmas.

Dear Grumpkins: You're a silly kid. I love that your personality is showing a lot more now. You're playing games and cracking jokes that only you get, apparently. Heaven forbid we interrupt you. Carry on playing by yourself in your crib. Mommy's gonna go have a nap.

Dear Judgemental Jerkholes: Yes, I'm married. No, I'm not sixteen. Yes, she's mine. Yes, I know who the father is and NO, I was not drunk during conception. Does that answer everything? I mean, really. I know I'm small, but so? I don't pass judgement on you just because your entire shopping cart is full of boxed wine and you smell like feet. We are all God's children. (Said with the utmost Sassy Pantsness.)

Dear Bloggy Friends: I've come to the realization recently that I'm loads funnier while I'm pregnant. That being said, no, I'm not going to run out and get pregnant again any time soon. Not on purpose, anyway. So, for now, you'll just have to put up with some occasional lackluster posts about The Grumpster and my dying social life. Cheers.
 

Instagram Update

 

 

 

Babies are the coolest.

She's babbling now.

Saying

da da da da da da da da da da daaaaa

over and over again.

Nick thinks that counts as a win.

It's not a win, is it?

 

She also likes singing.

Not only does she like my singing,

but she likes to sing

all by herself.

She sounds a bit like

a dog whistle

on steroids.

But it's okay

because

it makes her so happy.

Especially when we clap

and say, "YAY!"

 

 

Like I said,

babies are the coolest.

Child Posession: The More You Know

I'd like to preface this post by saying that my daughter is wonderful and I love her.

However, lately her "moments" have become more and more frequent. She's screaming like a banshee, cries when she's put down, and is biting me when I try to breastfeed her. Granted, she can't technically bite since she has no teeth. But, still, it hurts. What's more, she thinks it's funny. 

After asking her during one of Alexa's checkups, the nurse told me that if she begins to bite me whilst breastfeeding, I am to pull her away and firmly say, "NO." 

When I do that, she laughs.

I am not joking.

So what do I do about it?

Well, first, I got annoyed. But, honestly, how can you stay annoyed at something this adorable?

So, then I tried threats of withdrawal. "If you keep biting me, you'll never eat again."

Not so effective. 

So, I've folded like a napkin and simply given her a bottle if she does it. I just don't care anymore. I'm too tired and my boobs hurt. Sue me.

Daddy is still on the East Coast. Perhaps she's acting out because she'd rather look at him for twenty days in a row. If the doctor told me that was the reason, I'd believe it. 

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow to have her skin checked out because it's all bumpy and dry and I think it's eczema. Poor thing. In the meantime I bought some super special lotion and have been slathering that all over her every chance I get. She'll either become very soft, or very sticky. I don't care either way as long as her skin clears up.

Let Me Hear You SCREAM!

Okay. I'm awful. Blogging is stinking HARD with a baby. Sue me. But I'll have a bit of help for a little while, now.

For an indefinite amount of time, Nick will be on the East Coast helping with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. He left this morning. So, because I didn't feel like being all by myself for who knows how long, I decided to drive two hours west to stay with my parents until he returns. 

It was a surprisingly tearful goodbye. On my part, anyway. I had really hoped that his last image of me wouldn't be a snotty, teary mess. But, alas. I have the worst timing.

At any rate, he could be gone anywhere from a week to a month or more. Last year there was a massive flood in Minot, North Dakota, and people from his company were gone for five months. Hopefully they'll take into account that he has a family waiting for him at home and let him come home relatively soon.

As far as baby stories go, she is growing like a weed. Of course, my mom is stoked that we're invading her house because that means she gets infinite playtime. Which, honestly, is totally fine with me. I mean, come on. I'm tired. I haven't slept in three and a half months. Not really, anyway. For instance, last night was the first time she slept the whole time. I, of course, woke up at her usual 2 AM for about a half hour before I could finally coax myself back to sleep. 

Guess what else? She's learned to scream. And I don't mean seriously intense crying. I mean screaming. Full out, the-sky-is-falling, zombies-are-attacking-the-city screaming. And she'll do it just because she feels like it. There really isn't a particular reason. This morning she was screaming because apparently my shower was too long and being in her swing was no longer acceptable. Needless to say, it wasn't a very relaxing shower experience. 

At any rate, I've got one weird, adorable, hilarious and needy baby. Oh, well. I'm going to look at this positively. At least I know she wants me around. 

Alexa's Birth Story

She's here! She's here! She's FINALLY here!

So, at 7:30 pm on Tuesday, July 10th, my husband and I drove up to the hospital to begin the induction process since she refused to come naturally. I got into my room, into their gown, and simply had to wait out the night after they inserted the Cervadil to help dilate me since I was still a big, fat zero on that scale.

Morning comes, and I'm checked again. 

Nothing.

I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. I had waited so long for my child and I was going to have to go home without her. 

I didn't get out of bed for the rest of the day. I cried more than I thought possible. I pleaded with her to PLEASE come out on her own. Didn't she want to see me? Did she already not like me? Those kinds of thoughts clouded my head for the next three days.

Fast forward to Sunday night. Same tune, different song. Check in, gown up, wait-and-see. However, I didn't have to wait very long this time. About an hour after the Cervadil was inserted, my water broke. YES! That's when the nurse said that most beautiful thing I had ever heard up to that point, 

"You're not leaving here without your baby, now."

Oh, how I cried. 

They wanted to track my natural contractions overnight. So after being harnessed up to one of the most awkward machines ever, I was told to try and sleep. Yeah, right. After about three hours, my contractions stopped completely, and they were forced to begin the Pitocin at 3:00 Monday morning.

Oh, my heavens. If any of you have ever had that injected into your body, you have my immediate respect. To say the contractions they produced were hellish would be a gross understatement. By the time they came in eight hours later to give me the epidural, I was screaming. My sweet husband kept saying over and over how much he wished he could take the pain from me and do it himself. He absolutely hated seeing me like that. 

After the epidural was in place, life was SO much better. I actually managed to get some sleep. But, by 3:00 in the afternoon, the pain was back with a vengeance. I was dilated to a 7 by this point and even though the awesome anesthetist kept coming back to tweak the medication, nothing really helped for very long. By the time I was dilated to a 9, I had been in labor for 17 of the longest hours of my life. When Dr. Jerkhole came in to check my cervix for the last time, I was told that the baby was too big and that I would be having her via C-Section. 

Uhm. Excuse me?

Does anyone remember this post? Yeah. At that doctor's appointment, he said that every mother felt like her baby would be too big to deliver and that he was, under no circumstances, going to perform an ultrasound on me unless there was a medical reason to.

So, when the doctor said that I'd be getting the surgery, I looked him right in the eye, gritted through another heinous contraction and said,

"I told you I'd need a C-Section five weeks ago. I told you she would be too big for me. You would have been able to tell if you had just done the ultrasound like I asked you to."

He said nothing.

Nick was told to scrub up, and I was prepped for surgery. I tell you, the preparation took longer than the surgery itself. My arms were strapped down, I was numbed up, and surgery began at 5:17. At 5:23, my daughter was born. I was told to look to my right, and there she was. The first words that escaped my lips were, 

"She's real! Nick, she's real!"

Nick went with the baby to clean her up, and I was left to be stitched up. Bob, a sweet, older gentleman who was also the anesthetist, held my hand while they finished up because I could not stop shaking during the entire procedure. I felt horrible when I threw up on him. 

Two hours later they finally brought me back upstairs where Alexa, Nick and his entire family were waiting. I was gingerly placed in my hospital bed and Nick finally put my baby in my arms for the first time. I couldn't help it, I cried so hard. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and she was mine. I fell in love instantly.

We have been home for two days now, and I still cry at everything because my stupid hormones are coming down. My angel of a mother has stayed with me since I was released from the hospital and she has been a tremendous blessing. She's made wonderful meals, purchased food for us and just watched over my baby so that I could sleep. Even though I'm unnaturally emotional right now, I still think I'd cry because of all that she's done for me.

Alexa is an angel and I love her more than I thought possible. I still burst into tears whenever I stop and stare at her because she is, honestly, the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid my eyes on. Sleep is such a burden to me because all I want to do is snuggle her forever. I get anxious when she's not in the room with me. I hurt when she cries. She is such a mellow and sweet baby. Nick and I are very, very lucky.

I am terrified that I'm going to wake up and be 15 weeks pregnant again. So, every night before I go to sleep, I try to memorize every part of her. I cannot wait to be back to physical working order so that I can lie on the floor next to her, or pick her up without pain. 

Sorry if this post is way too sappy for your liking. Firstly, I don't care. And secondly, it's hard to be sarcastic or witty on three hours of sleep. 

Thank you all for your support throughout my pregnancy. I would have lost my sanity without you!

One Year and a Day Ago...

The 4th of July will always have a special place in my heart. Not only is it my favorite holiday EVER, but this one marks one year from the day that Nick asked me to marry him. 

He was planning on proposing in May, originally. He had this big, elaborate "Date Day" set up. He even went through the trouble of ordering a custom made invitation and mailing it to my house. When I opened the invitation, my thoughts immediately went to, "OMGrapefruit, he's proposing." I even asked his seven year old  sister if that's what he was doing.

"YEAH!" She said.

Sweet!

So, along comes Date Day. We did SO much stuff. We started out by volunteering at the hospital. Seriously. It was really a cool experience. Then, we had lunch and went to see "Kung Fu Panda 2". Afterwards, he took me back to his apartment and taught me how to make tortillas. (He lived in Mexico for two years.) THAT was an experience. We also cooked chicken (which splattered grease all over my arms and I had "battle wounds" for two months), prepared a seriously pretty salad and even made Flan. Yum. At the end of everything, he took me home, kissed me goodnight and left. 

Wait, what?

He never proposed?!

His sister is SUCH a liar.

As it turns out, he didn't have the ring yet. Because he was having it custom made for me by his cousin in Virginia, it wasn't quite finished by the deadline Nick had set. 

"Oh, well," he thought. "This will throw her off my scent, anyway."

It certainly did.

Fast forward to July 2nd. It was a Saturday and I was really looking forward to watching the fireworks with him the following Monday. 

Of course, autocorrect had other plans...

Anyway, we did NOT go pooping that day. Instead, he took me to a waterfall in his hometown.

Now, I wasn't aware that we'd be off-roading that day, so I wore some very unsteady flip flops. When I saw that he was leading me PAST the railing and onto the rocks leading directly to the falls, I had a minor freak out. He was very patient with me and held my hand the entire way so I wouldn't fall to my death.

Anyway, when we got to the rock that I've circled in the picture above, he told me to close my eyes. 

"Right, okay," I thought. "So when I open my eyes, he'll be on one knee. YAY!"

I was wrong again.

He slid a card into my hands and told me to read it.

He had actually written his proposal out in a card so that I could have it forever and read it over and over again. I, of course, cried my eyes out. While I was reading, he had gotten the ring out of his pocket and was kneeling in front of me. I yelled out, "OF COURSE!" and just about tackled him off the rock in an attempt to hug and kiss him. 

Unbeknownst to us, while all of this was happening, we were getting an audience at the lookout. So, when I kissed him, we heard, "WOOOOOOOO!!!!" That was pretty much the icing on the cake for him and he was pretty proud of himself. And why not? He was a total stud that day.

So, now you know. I love the 4th of July more than any other holiday.

How was your 4th?

P.S. I guess my Tuesday's Confessions was kind of a bust. Let's just forget all about that, shall we? Deal.

Thursday 13

This morning I hopped over to aunieSAUCE

to get the topic for this week's Thursday 13.

Alas!

She couldn't think of anything!

Soooooo...

I decided to revisit an older link up between Aunie and Jenna over at The Life of the Wife

and post the Last 13 Things I [whatever].

Yay!

THE LAST THING I...

ATE:

Some yummy MultiGrain Cheerios. :) Seriously the BEST kind of Cheerios available.

BOUGHT:

A maternity t-shirt from Target in Mankato. Why aren't there maternity places in Marshall!?

LAUGHED AT:

This:

MADE:

Those adorable wall letters for my baby's nursery. :)

CRIED ABOUT:

Who knows? I cry about so many stupid things now that I'm pregnant. Half the time I don't even know why I'm crying in the first place. ...My poor husband.

READ:

I read about the actual birthing process. Now I'm looking forward to it even less...

ENVIED:

People who's body looks like this:

DEFINITELY my post-baby goal.

THOUGHT:

Am I even going to have time to work out after this kid gets here? What in the heck am I getting myself into?

CRAVED:

A fruit smoothie. My husband recently bought some Dole frozen fruit from Sam's Club and with a bit of sugar, lemon juice, and strawberry yogurt, I swear it tastes just like Jamba Juice's "Strawberry Surf Rider". [Which just so happens to be my favorite.]

WISHED:

That the tickets to The Hunger Games haven't been sold out yet. Nick called me up about an hour ago and asked if I wanted to go. Um. YES.

LISTENED TO:

I've recently been obsessed with this song. I LOVE it when rock groups incorporate piano into their music. *siiiigh*
[Although the video is a bit cheesy...]

WONDERED:

How long does it take other people to come up with 13 things to write about? I think it takes me way too long sometimes...

FORGOT TO DO:

Definitely forgot where my keys were supposed to go the other day. Where did I put them?

The fridge.

Seriously.

Thursday 13

This week the Thursday Thirteen has toned it down a bit for a more 

thought-provoking list.

Normally I'm a pretty upbeat person, but we all have our secret desires.

We all wish for something more.

And, if you haven't checked out Annelise over at aunieSAUCE, you really ought to. She's one fab writer and cute to boot!

So, without further adieu, here's the list.

13 Things I wish/pray for on a daily basis:


1. For my child to be born healthy. This really goes without saying. I mean, who DOESN'T want the best for their child?


2. To have a better immune system. I realize that pregnancy has kind of stifled my sickness fighters, but come ON. I'm sick pretty much every other week! Can't it be just a little harder for me to catch things?

3. To find a job after we move. I know that it will be tough because of my bump, but we will need the extra income for a few months. I'd even settle for McDonald's. Again.

4. To have energy. So far, my list is pretty selfish. (Apart from number 1...) But this is a biggie for me. I sleep a LOT and I'm still dragging all day. I exercise. I eat right (kind of) and I still can hardly muster up the energy to shower or do the dishes.

5. For my little brother to wise up. He's only 13, but he's so naive. And, not the innocent kind. The "what-the-heck-were-you-thinking" kind. He's pretty sheltered, and I'm afraid that one of these days he's going to get the living snot beat out of him for saying something cocky to someone who's a lot bigger than he is.

6. To fully and completely overcome my depression. I used to hate myself. I used to hurt myself. I still have the scars as a reminder. I'm actually proud of those scars. I never want to get rid of them. They remind me of the darkest point in my life - a point that I never thought I would escape from. I'm proud of those scars because I can look at them now. Because I am alive. I still have a long way to go, but I appreciate how far I've come.


7. To find new ways of earning my husband's love. That man is absolutely, hands down, the most incredible man I've ever met. He is my soul mate and my friend. Some days I look at him and wonder what on God's green earth is wrong with him. How in the world did he end up with me? Sometimes I feel so undeserving of his love. But I know that he sees me. Truly sees me. I know that if I weren't what he needed, he wouldn't be with me - he wouldn't have married me. For that, I am thankful. I want to work every day to show him how much I appreciate him.

8. To stop wrongfully judging others. I know that I'm not alone when I say that I do this. Everyone does it. I find myself out in public thinking, "Holy cow. Look at that NOSE!" or... "It's not even windy. Why does their hair look like that?" Stupid, shallow things. I know I can be better than that. Those people don't deserve it. If I don't want to be judged, who am I to judge others?

9. To forgive my ex-husband. This will be the hardest thing on my list. How can I possibly forgive someone who completely destroyed me? I was numb, cynical and angry for an entire year after he left, while I covered it up with a smile. It was exhausting. Very few people knew the struggles I was facing inside. But, I'm happy now. And I know that if it weren't for him being a spineless (bleep), I would have never had the chance to fall for Nick. I wouldn't have been the kind of person that Nick needed. So, for that, I am grateful. I am, honestly, in my ex's debt.

10. To be a good mother. This is what keeps me up at night. This is what I worry about constantly. What am I doing? Am I even ready for this? Someone is going to be completely and totally dependent on me. I am literally holding her life in my hands. That scares me to death.

11. To prioritize my time. Granted, there are plenty of things I should be doing right now. Blogging is not one of them. I need to stop rationalizing with myself over why I do dumb things. I am my own worst critic. I am the harshest person that I have to be accountable to. Am I afraid of myself?

12. To stop being content. I've learned that when I'm content with where I am - or who I am - I stop trying to be better. I stop learning. I stop progressing. It's a vicious cycle. I'm happy - I'm lazy - I'm depressed - I try harder. Around and around it goes...

13. To just do the dang dishes! It's the chore that I despise. It's icky and smelly and it hurts my wimpy, pregnant back. Suck it up, Michelle. They aren't going to clean themselves.

Friday's Letters

Dear Crankypants at Church: I'm very sorry that I'm not the spitting image of what you expect from a teacher. But, this pregnancy is incredibly difficult for me. I'm sick all the time and I'm trying to wean myself off of a narcotic anti-depressant that I've been addicted to since I was 14 years old. So, I would appreciate it if you would quit judging me.

Dear Sam and Dean Winchester: Why aren't you real?! You would be the coolest people to hang out with!

Dear Cold/Flu/Whateveryouare: You are slowly, but surely, killing me. Please go away asap so that I can remember what it feels like to breathe and/or sit up without passing out. Thaaanks.

Dear Uma Thurman: You gave a bad rep to bloggers everywhere in the movie "Motherhood." Thanks a lot. Now whenever I blog, my husband calls me Uma.

Dear Pregnancy Hormones: Care to share the wealth with my hair? My nails are growing at a superhuman rate, but I don't really care about those.

Dear Nick: I miss you already, and you've been gone for about two hours. What am I going to do with myself for the next three days?! You are an amazing man, and I am so happy that you "saw" me after you  came home from your mission. I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you.

Dear Alexa: Thanks for being strong enough so that daddy can feel you kick. He doesn't think you hate him anymore. Yay! However, could you please stop punching my bladder? Please? It's not very nice.

Dear Readers: If you read my blog, and have a GMail account, why don't you follow? I like knowing that I have an audience. :)

Thursday 13

The Top 13 Things I Would Want on a Desert Island are:

1. Nick. Of course  I would want him there with me. He's amazing! He's brave, strong and gets this super cute look on his face when he's concentrating. He can hunt, build stuff, and, above all, keep the sniveling pregnant lady company.

2. Stuff to distill water. Chances are, the water around the island will be salty, and therefore undrinkable. 

3. Stuff to hunt WITH. Thanks, Nick. (He found out that this was the Thursday 13, and has started spouting off ideas for me. hehe.) Preferably something more than a sharpened stick. Like an AR-15. Or at least a machete. And a fishing pole.

4. Books. I'm sure there will be tons of things to occupy my time on this island (what with our survival at stake) but I may get bored. So, books a plenty!

5. Stuff to occupy NICK with. Currently he is throwing little mints at me for his own entertainment. So, to avoid this same situation with coconuts, we should give him something to play with, too. Like... a monkey. Or my iPhone so he can play Angry Birds or Temple Run. Aaaaaallll day.

6. Shampoo. I absolutely hate having greasy, dirty hair. And, while it may not be a necessity, this is MY list. I must be clean. It helps to improve my mood.

7. Sunscreen. While Nick may have been blessed with beautiful Native American skin, I am still a pasty, white girl and burn easily. Curse you, fair complexion! 

8. Music. I love my music, and I could very literally go insane without it. So, while I'm out gathering berries or firewood, I'd be jamming out on my iPod. Hecks yes.

9. Rope. Lots and lots of rope. Then we can build shelters, traps, and tie each other up when we get annoyed. Erm.. I mean, of course not.

10. Medicine. There will come a time that one of us (ie: me) will become sick. Like, deathly sick. Like, bitten by a rabid monkey sick. Gotta have supplies for that, man. You just can't be too careful.

11. Flint and Steel. Like most deserts, it will probably get cold at night, and we'll need some way to cook all the awesome food that Nick hunted. Fire is a necessity.

12. A Camera. Come on, a desert island? There's probably some seriously gorgeous stuff out there. And, even though it's a death trap and we'll probably never get off, it'd be cool to have some pictures to capture the happier times.

13. Toilet Paper. I know, there won't be any toilets per se, but I am NOT using a leaf. Nooooo thank you.

Where's My Hair?

I tend to be incredibly irrational when it comes to my hair.

I get long, pretty hair in the summertime

but it's too hot on my neck

and I end up cutting it all off

juuuuuuust in time for the harsh Minnesota winters. 

Smart, Michelle.

And then, all winter long, I'm whining and complaining about how much I miss my hair.

I always do this.

Every. Single. Year.

But I never learn.

I ended up having to get extensions for my wedding.

At first, I loved them.

But, it was too much length

way too fast.

So, after a few weeks, it began to drive me insane.

But I had to suck it up because I paid a good $80 for them to be put in

and I wanted my hair to look stellar for the wedding.

After the reception

Nick and I came home to our brand new apartment.

And before I even let him kiss me

I locked myself in the bathroom

and spent a good hour taking out those blasted extensions. 

Two days later, I cut my hair into an a-line bob.

Which looked really cute

for a while.

But the back of my hair ends right at the nape of my neck

and the front comes just a bit below my shoulders.

It's too short.

So, here's my plan for the remainder of my pregnancy:

1. Absolutely no heat styling of any kind.

2. No more using tight, rubber elastics to hold back my hair.

3. Trim hair as soon as possible to ensure maximum health.

4. Exercise regularly and increase protein as well as vitamin c in my diet.
5. NO brushing my hair while it's wet. [Combs only!]

By the time Alexa is born in July, my goal is to have my bangs grown out, and my hair grown out to my chest.

This may or may not happen

but I think eliminating heat from my regimen will help a lot.

Inspiration for this drastic change has come from Annelise over at Bye Bye Beehive. 

Friday's Letters

Another day, another link up.

This one comes from Adventures of Newlyweds and is known as 

Friday's Letters.

Dear Husband: I hope you know how crazy I am about you, and how grateful I am to have you in my life.You really and truly are the best man on this planet. Thank you for being the father of my child. I'm sorry that I cry so much at stupid things. I promise that I won't be like this forever. It's just that we got pregnant the DAY AFTER our wedding. Don't worry. I'll show you.

Dear Mr. Next Door: You are creepy, and your music is way too loud. Please stop having parties EVERY Friday night. I'm glad we're moving soon.

Dear Alexa: I haven't met you yet, but you already have me wrapped around your little finger. I was so surprised to find that you were coming, but I wouldn't change it for the world. But, please be nice to mommy. Pregnancy is hard.

Dear Ex-Husband: Thank you for letting me go. Now I finally know what it feels like to have someone actually love me.

Dear Amanda Seyfried: Your hair is gorgeous. Please teach me your ways.

Dear Foul-Mouthed People: Just stop. You sound unintelligent.

True Love Tuesdays

Well, good morning.

Or something.

I'm not a morning person

so forgive me if this post is dripping with sarcasm.

This topic was originally called "Significant Other Saturdays", but I obviously missed it.

So, now we have True Love Tuesdays.

Voila!

This week's topic is to introduce your significant other.

Simple, right? 

This is Nicholai.

Or Nick.

He is my soul.

He is the reason I get up in the morning.

He is the reason for my smiles.

He's my lifeline

my weakness

and my strength.

We met at church when we were 14. 

I'm older.

But only by a month, so it doesn't really count.

He still calls me a cougar, though.

I thought he was super hot.

Although he was really skinny.

He is a running fool.

He loves to study.

And he simply cannot get enough of Nickelback's music.

But I'll forgive him.

I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't want to.

We fell in love after one week of dating.

We just knew.

This was it.

He is kind.

He takes such good care of me.

He even holds my hair back when I puke.

Despite being supremely grossed out by it.

Sorry, girls.

My husband is the best man in the universe.